Relationship Dealbreakers by Enneagram Type

Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Enneagram in Real Life, a podcast where we explore how to apply our Enneagram knowledge in our daily lives. And I'm your host, Steph Barron Hall, and this week I have something a little different, which is that I recently have started a YouTube channel, and it's been slow going, to be honest. Because it's been a really fun experience. And also, it's just a very busy time of year for me. if you're not familiar, I do team sessions, and I go and I do consulting work, with teams, helping them with communication and helping them sort out some things that are happening inside their organizations. And so, This week I am off taking the Enneagram on the road, as we sometimes say in our out of office message. but I wanted to share this audio version of a new YouTube video that will be actually premiering on Thursday. So, if you want to watch this on video or you want to wait till then, you'll be able to see it on Thursday. my YouTube channel will be linked in the show notes, but, this is an episode called Oh No No's or Relationship Deal Breakers. And you'll hear a little bit more about how that concept came to be and how I kind of collected information for it, in the video itself or, in the podcast episode today, but it was a really fun video to record and to create. So I hope you really enjoy this episode and be sure to check out my YouTube channel as well. And without further ado, here are relationship deal breakers by Enneagram type.

Today we're going to be talking about Oh No No's or relationship deal breakers by Enneagram type. Hi, I'm Steph. I talk about the Enneagram and any adjacent things. And in this video, I'll be talking about relationship deal breakers. Now, we all have them. We all have these things that we think, Oh, if somebody does X, it's over. It's on the oh, no, no list. And really this concept came from watching Parks and Rec, or Parks and Recreation, and there's an episode called Sweet Sixteen in which Aziz Ansari's character, Tom Haverford, is dating Rashida Jones character, Anne. And Tom and Anne have very different values in terms of what's really important to them in life. So, Tom has a lot of things that are pretty shallow. later on in the seasons we get to see a little bit more depth from him, but especially in this episode. The things that are on his oh no no list are things like not liking the same thread count sheets that he likes, or not liking 90s R& B, things like that. So those are the things that are on his oh no no list, his relationship deal breakers, right? But Anne doesn't really care about that kind of stuff that much. And so they, they kind of get to this point in their relationship where they do continue to fake that they're in a relationship for a while. but it's clear that they don't have aligned values. And so, So I thought it would be fun to talk about each Enneagram type and what's on their OhNoNo list, their relationship deal breakers. And to do this, I actually asked people on Instagram if they would share theirs. So I got tons of responses and I'm going to go through them by each Enneagram type. But before I do, I want to give this big caveat up front. Regardless of any room type, we all have some similarities, right? Because we all appreciate, humans who are kind, who have integrity, who are respectful toward us and toward others. One of the big oh no no's across all relationships, which I heavily agree with as somebody who has worked as a server and in retail and as a bartender, big oh no no for me is being rude to wait staff, or just being short with them or kind of acting entitled. that no, we're not doing it. And actually my husband, worked as a barista and so he kind of has that same, perspective as well. I think if you have ever worked in that sort of a job, you know, how difficult it can be and how frustrating it is when people treat you like you're about this big, like you're not human. So a lot of us on Instagram shared, yeah, if somebody's rude to wait staff or, or service staff, that's going to be a no, no, no. And I really value that my husband and I both share this experience of working in that sort of a job because we can really feel what it's like to be on the other side and it gives you kind of good life experience. So, um, that's a, a yes, yes from me. Anyway, anyway, the other thing that I've noticed is that. A lot of us really can't tolerate things that we know that annoy us in ourselves when we see them in other people. I think that those things can come up a lot and you'll actually hear those in these responses as we go through them today. Also, by the end of the video today, you're going to hear about three ways you can work on your relationship if you do commit these, Oh, no, nos, because guess what? We all kind of do them to some extent. And so I'm going to give you some tips on how to navigate that with your relationship. And let's get into it. So let's start with type eight. If you don't know, I'm starting with type eight, make sure you watch my previous video. So the main idea with eight is that they can't stand a partner who. Sometimes unhealthy aides do want to control other people, but a lot of the time aides are just don't control me and they don't really like to have that sense of having to carry all the weight for everyone else. Aides tend to carry a lot of weight in general, and they just want somebody who is an equal who will show up fully to the relationship just like they will. They also can't deal with somebody who's inauthentic or untrustworthy because it tells them, oh, betrayal is right up the road. So. Here are the oh, no, no's for type eight, Not aligning with my values, needing constant leadership for me, avoiding or dancing around the truth. No sense of loyalty, disrespecting me in front of others, being controlling, unwillingness to put forth effort towards something or toward moving forward, constant indecisiveness, and not being able to let their guard down around this person because they seem untrustworthy or for other reasons. Um, a lot of the time too with AIDS, it's just a vibe check thing. It's like a gut check. What does my gut tell me about this person? Can I trust them or not? And a lot of the time they're right. All right, type nine. So the main idea for nines is that they can't stand being with somebody who drains their energy by disrupting this peaceful, harmonious life that they've really built for themselves. They want love and acceptance just as much as they give it. And nines can be very loving and kind and warm. And I think sometimes people Think that oh, they just exude that maybe they assume I don't need to give it back But it's really important to give it back as well But remember that nines do not want to be pushed around Just because they seem easygoing and they can be very easygoing doesn't mean that it's okay to disrespect their autonomy. So that's really important. So for nines The Oh No No's are judgmental toward things I enjoy, having a complete disregard for others, withholding the truth to protect my feelings, being overly pushy, especially if I don't want to do something and I've heard this one from a lot of nines. In particular, um, when people think, Oh, I can change their mind. They don't hold this opinion that strongly. That's a big frustration for nines. Not treating everyone the same. Like unfairness in general is a really off putting thing for nines. Excessively talking more than they listen. Intentionally seeking out conflict or riling things up. Dismissive of them and others. And being draining to be around. Those are the key points that Nines sent in when I asked this on Instagram. So let's move on to type one. The main idea for ones is that they can't stand when people lack conscientiousness and consideration. Now, I recently read this book, The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schaffler, and I really like it. Um, and one thing that she Does in this book is she talks about five different types of perfectionists. Now, I don't really love the moniker perfectionist for ones, a lot of different people can be perfectionists and not all ones identify with that. But in this book, she has this quote that I think is really, really aptt for the way that ones, um, move through the world. Um, and the way that they are really conscientious about how they show up, um, especially in regard to the, their relationships. So the quote says, and this is on page seven, if you want to read it, they aren't trying to be impressive or distance themselves as much as they're trying to offer to others what they most value themselves, structure, consistency, predictability, and understanding of all the options. So as to make an informed choice, high standards, objectivity, clarity through organization. So I think this is really helpful and really important because, um, sometimes people. Accused ones of being needlessly judgmental, and I actually think it comes from this place of wanting to offer this sense of structure and, thoroughness and being really detailed, in, in particular ways. I think that's what they're coming from, and they're wanting to offer that to others because that's what they really want in return. So. With that said, here are the oh no, no's that ones submitted on Instagram, not taking responsibility for their share of duties, complete lack of communication, being inconsiderate, disrespecting something I value deeply, lacking integrity, being overly critical, being reckless for the sake of being a rule breaker. Like just needlessly reckless, like, Oh, I just love to rebel. So I'm going to do this. Ones don't really like that a lot. Um, lack of commitment, forcing me to act as a parent in the relationship because of their carelessness. Those are all really frustrating for ones because ones often feel like they have to be the adult in the room. And the thing about rules is ones do like rules a lot of the time, but they like to make sure that they make sense. sometimes they're accused of just. Following all the rules and I don't find that's the case. I think ones make and follow rules that make sense to them. All right. Now we have our heart types. Type 2, the main idea is actually similar to 1's. 2's can't stand when others lack consideration for others, but for 1's it's because they're really focused on doing what's right and appropriate, whereas for 2's the emphasis is more on making others feel good and having a positive rapport. 2's give a lot, and they can't stand when others take them for granted or take advantage of their kindness. For example, a two could get really frustrated if they feel like everyone is constantly just like, Oh, they'll do it. They'll do it. They'll say yes. Like I can always ask them. And then there is no reciprocity. That word reciprocity is a huge thing for twos. And it's not always in like you bring me a casserole and I bring one back. Like I'm just using that silly stereotype because twos are so annoyed with hearing that, but it's actually, um, Checking in on each other. Hey, how are you doing? Are you having a good day? Hey, can I grab your coffee? Hey, can I, um, encourage you or support you in any way? Like what positive relational factors do you need? That's a big thing for Tuesday. So these are the things that to submit it on Instagram, not being kind to those I care about blatant selfishness, being inconsiderate toward those who are doing their best to help seeming cold and uninterested in connection, being unfairly critical without acknowledging my hard work, unreciprocated kindness, dismissing me or others as we are complete lack of gratitude and taking advantage of me. So all of those things are, Oh, no, no's for two. Let's move on to type three Now I already told you a little bit of one for three and the main idea here Is that threes just can't stand when others slow them down undermine or embarrass them? And of course threes do need to reevaluate where their worth comes from, but that's not something that can be superimposed from the outside because it just becomes another thing that they can fail at. It needs to be an invitation. It needs to be part of their inner work process. Um, so I would say encouragement can be helpful. And this next thing is really important, which is. In my experience, I've experienced a lot of shame around having very normal emotional reactions to things. And so making a three feel weird for showing emotion can be a huge, Oh no, no, or turn off. And actually the most important thing for threes in their inner work is learning to be with those difficult emotions. That's crucial. And that's the thing that will actually help them to move out of that. I have to be busy. I have to be hustling and doing something all the time into a more calm or, you know, able to feel calm and, and worthy as they are space. So these are the other things that threes submitted on Instagram, unpredictable or explosive emotions, believing the worst about themselves, others, and the world being dishonest, being unwilling to take ownership of their actions, carelessness around the reputation. I work hard to uphold. Um, and that one's important because threes care a lot about the image that they project. Sometimes we need to let go of it, but sometimes it can be a helpful thing to, um, intentionally holding me back from making progress, complete lack of recognition of my hard work, not having goals or a sense of direction of their own. Like threes really love it when they're doing a project with somebody or, or working towards something together. Um, that feels really. I think for a lot of threes. So they like to be with somebody who has a vision for themselves. And then assuming they know me based on superficial things, like based on what you see on the outside and saying, Oh, you're like this. That's a big deal breaker for a three. Okay. Time for type four. The main idea for fours is that they can't stand when others won't go into the depths with them. Whether they are working through an issue or just getting to know you, they want someone who will dive deep. Um, and if you are not, well, it's probably not gonna last. Especially if you're not willing to learn. So I think a lot of the time fours can have an understanding if you say, It's actually really hard for me to, to do that, to go there. That makes sense, I think, for fours, because they're like, Oh, thank you for telling me that. That actually is vulnerable. It's vulnerable for you to share with me that that's difficult for you. Um, if you're just unwilling to really go there, that can be more of a challenge and it can be really hard for the relationship to move past that point. Okay, so if we're shared on Instagram, I'm willing to invest time to work through issues, inconsistency between when we're together and when I'm not around, like having kind of a different personality or, or saying things differently. Um, somebody who doesn't value or appreciate. For like creative beauty or nature, music, art, has no appreciation for those sorts of things, only talks about themselves or not engaging in mutual conversation, being judgmental without curiosity, impatient with my emotional process, not allowing me to be my truest self, whether that's like shaming them or just kind of like Turning the conversation when they start talking about their truest self. Um, assigning thoughts, feelings, or attitudes to my behavior. That's a huge one for fours. They really don't like being told, Oh, you must be feeling X. Um, that's really frustrating. And then takes up more space than I do. And this one, The person who shared this one put a little like, uh, Grimacing emoji because they're like, Yeah, I know this one's not great. Um, so gotta appreciate that as self disclosure there. So those are the ones for fours. Let's move on to the mind types, head types. Type 5 is first. So the main idea is that fives can't stand intrusion. Um, it feels soul sucking for them because they fear a sense of depletion and they want these deep conversations and mental exploration and they really don't enjoy pointless small talk, but they also don't want to be asked a lot of personal questions, especially upfront, like asking a lot of their personal details. There has to be, um, this, commonality or connection point, um, whether that's a specific topic or a specific sphere that you're both in, I think that can be really connecting for fives. Um, but fives enter relationships and are super loyal once they're in those relationships. So as long as you have good conversations and you respect their need for privacy, it's not like you're going, they're going to surprise you down the line with an, Oh no, no. Normally fives, once they're in that relationship with somebody, they're in it. So these are the things that fives submitted on Instagram, consistent surface level connection, controlling of my time and resources, unwillingness to discover or accept who I really am, and on this one, I think it's important to note that a lot of the time fives have felt really weird or bizarre growing up because they, they feel like their minds work differently. They observe how everyone else functions and they're like, Oh, that's just not how I kind of operate. So it's important for them to feel, um, like they can be themselves. Um, it's important for them to feel at home in the relationship. Not having an open, curious mind, having no sense of independence, being clingy or smothering, persistently violating my privacy, ignoring the truth, and insisting on believing convenient untruths. So, especially if they're like, well the data says this, and you're like, yeah, but this is how I feel, or this is what I want to do. Fives tend to have a difficult time with that. Alright, type six. So, the main idea for sixes is that they can't stand when people short circuit their processing. Of their concerns. So a lot of the time six is like to think through and process through things. They always have something that they're, they're puzzling through in their minds. And, sometimes people will, will jump in and be like, Oh, that's really not going to happen. And those interruptions might seem helpful to the outside person, but sixes get really frustrated with these because they make them feel more uncertain and insecure, um, about why their brains constantly go to what could potentially happen, um, or to that opposite case scenario of, of what's actually happening. Also, many sixes can't stand somebody without a sense of humor. They use humor to get through life and, um, they want somebody who's going to go there and laugh with them and kind of think it's funny. Oh yeah, I do have this, this dark concept of everything's going to fall apart. That can be like the lifeblood for a lot of sixes. So on Instagram, sixes said their Oh No No's are Being intolerant of my cautiousness and questions, not valuing honesty or transparency, not appreciating my humor, being unreliable and flaky, keeping hidden agendas, Seeming alarmingly unpredictable, like if you're not somebody who is very consistent with things or is predictable, that can be hard for sixes. Disregard for planning and preparations. Doesn't offer support the way that I need it. So it might just be like, it's just not a fit because, this type of support the six needs is different and you're not willing to learn. That can be a deal breaker. And finally, thwarting my processing by interrupting my thoughts with Band Aid solutions, because a lot of the time, like I said, they need to go, Oh, no, everything is going bad, and then they even out. Um, but they got to go down to the depths, figure out all the stuff out, explore down there first, and then they'll be like, okay, this is how things are going to go, and it's going to be okay. And last but not least, we have our friends type sevens. So the main idea is that sevens can't stand when others try to bring them back to reality. For a seven, this is reality. It's just more interesting and stimulating than the version of reality that other people are looking at. And sevens are big, expansive thinkers, but they're also cerebral and they can be more sensitive than they let on. So, in my notes I have disregard this at the peril of your relationship, but, but really like sevens can get really frustrated with feeling like everyone else just assumes that they are just these like fluffy, silly fairies that are dancing on clouds. That's not really how sevens are. Um, but sometimes that's the only thing that they let people see until they get a little bit deeper into the relationship. But don't forget that they're cerebral and they, they can be quite sensitive. Okay. This is what they shared on Instagram, shutting down my ideas and excitement controlling me or holding me back, being close off to new experiences, often dwelling in negativity without an action plan, not allowing space for me to be creative and enjoy myself, being unwilling to celebrate the good and small things in life. Sevens are great at celebrating all those sorts of things. And I love that about sevens because a lot of the time I forget to do any of that. Making decisions for me without my input. Or without giving me any options and then disregarding my depth because it's easier to see me as superficial. So those are the, Oh, no, no's that's seven shared. So let's talk about three things you can do if you regularly commit these deal breakers. So one, talk about it. I cannot stress this enough, especially if you're watching this and all, and you've heard your partner's type and you're thinking, Oh, whoops. I actually do all those things all the time. And that's really stressful. But just ask your partner, what are their, Oh, no, no. So their relationship deal breakers, like maybe they're not the ones that were shared for their Enneagram type. So ask what's underneath them for them. For example, if they hit it when people are late, what value does that communicate or what core concept does it? Violate for them. So if they're thinking anytime somebody's late, it means they don't respect me. Well, okay. Talk about that. You know, that can be a different kind of conversation than just being like, oh, it's it's this one behavior. And then ask what are your mutual values together in building a relationship? You enjoy In her book, The Book of Boundaries, Melissa Urban has this refrain, you can do it any way you want. So it's really this permission to cultivate whatever you want in your relationship. So it doesn't have to be, we always drive to a party together so we can leave together. It could be, okay, I'm an introvert, they're an extrovert. We're going to drive separately so I can leave when I'm tired and they can stay out all night if that's what they want. So So navigating those things, navigating your values and your norms for your specific relationship is super important. Tip number two. Um, are these things that bother you about other people or just about yourself? Where can you invite more self compassion? I think this one is huge. I think this is really important, especially um, because a lot of us can be very self critical, and in fact I do a lot of typing interviews, and when I ask how self critical are you? A lot of the time people say, Oh, I'm pretty self critical. And it's not always necessarily a bad thing or something to shun. You know, having that internal voice or that internal narrator can actually be helpful. But, um, sometimes the things that we can't tolerate in others is actually because we just can't tolerate ourselves. So where can we have more self compassion? Where can we be like, Oh yeah, that's because I'm just a person. Um, and they are also just a person. So, um, it's okay that we have these disagreements or, Oh, no, no's or something like that. So then in your relationship, are you having some frustration or being really intolerant of specific behaviors that mean something to you, but actually when you look at them deeper, it's because you do that same thing. Kind of like the example that I shared at the top. Um, so how can you work on that and be a little bit more compassionate and a little bit kinder to yourself? That self acceptance is going to do more for your relationship than, parsing through exactly what each person is doing wrong. Number three is noticing where perfectionism is coming into play in a relationship. This is similar to the previous one, but I also just want to note that, um, sometimes we have things that annoy us or that we're intolerant of in our relationships. And we get really frustrated about them, of course. And maybe they're annoying, but not actually harming anything or not actually a detriment to your relationship. So where can you just bring more understanding and more empathy for your partner and how they are and how they operate in the world? Like they are a whole human being and so are you. And so instead of just playing this perfect role, um, how can you both have a little bit more tolerance and acceptance overall for how you function? Okay, so try it out, see how these actually work and try them on for size and your relationship. One final caveat here is that. This is really for relationships that are healthy. There's no abusive, emotional abusive, verbal abusive, or physical abusive dynamic present. And so, that's really important to note. That, all of those things obviously are a big. They're a big deal breaker, right? Um, and if you want a book that's about a lot of different topics like this, um, and has a really great crash course on building a positive, healthy relationship, check out this one, the science of stuck by Brit Frank. And it's fantastic book. It has a lot of great actionable, practical insights, and I might even do a video on it because I really loved it. So I hope you enjoyed the relationship deal breakers. Oh, no, no nose by Enneagram type and be sure to. Share in the comments below, what's your big, Oh, no, no, or deal breaker, et cetera. And I can't wait to hear from you. So subscribe, like this video, leave a comment. Love to hear from you and see you soon.

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