Wisdom for Our Younger Selves by Enneagram Type

1:37

Hello, and welcome back to Enneagram in real life. A podcast that will help you go beyond any grand theory into practical understanding so that you can apply the Enneagram in your day-to-day life. I'm your host, Steph Baron hall, creator of nine types co on Instagram, author of the Enneagram in love, accredited Enneagram, professional, and ennea curious human, just like you be sure to check out the show notes for more ways to apply the Enneagram and your daily life. Thanks so much for listening and now onto the show.

Steph Barron Hall: 2:11

Well, hello, welcome back to another episode of Engram, I R L. I'm Steph.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 2:15

And I'm Heidi.

Steph Barron Hall: 2:17

And today we're gonna talk about messages that we would share with our younger selves. Um, I think this has been a really fun series suit on Instagram, so we thought we'd bring it over to the podcast.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 2:31

Yeah, this is one of my favorite series and I just love exploring this question. I love looking through everyone's answers of what they would tell themselves. So yeah, I'm really excited about this one.

Steph Barron Hall: 2:43

Yeah, I think one of the things that I really like about, you know, writing and posting things on Instagram is just the ability to ask people like, what, what would you share about this? And to kind of have that community around sharing and reflecting on each other's answers because you get some real gems and it's not really the intention that the initial post has everything in it, right? It's like meant to inspire some conversation. And so, yeah, it was really fun to read those. So we're gonna read some responses today too. Um, but before we get started, I'd love to hear how your type has shown up this week, Heidi.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 3:18

Yes. So as a type four, um, I've been feeling a little bit nostalgic, but like not in the good kind of way, like in a way that's kind of making me sad. Like I feel like I've been. Like, I haven't felt this way in a while, so it's been kind of a hard thing to kind of shift out of. And I'm curious if any other fours listening, if y'all have like dreams that just affect your day, you know, it just like pulls me back into the past or something like that. So yeah, I'm curious. So let let us know. But yeah, I've just been really trying to be present lately, so that's how I've seen my type show up specifically, like in the past few days.

Steph Barron Hall: 3:57

Interesting. I am really curious about that because I have been talking with a lot of different people lately about this like overall feeling of blah.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 4:08

Hmm.

Steph Barron Hall: 4:08

In general, like, um, it kind of actually reminds me of a few years ago, Adam Grant posted an article about languishing is the term he used, like the me blah feeling. It's not burnout, it's languishing.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 4:21

Hmm.

Steph Barron Hall: 4:21

And that felt like it really resonated. And lately I've been hearing from so many different people just feeling blah, like feeling unmotivated, feeling like just even doing simple things at work is like, you know, I don't know, like trying to run in mud or whatever. I don't know, like a good expression for it. Um, but it feels really blah and I've been feeling that a lot too. Um, but I wonder if yeah, if, if any other fours are feeling it in the exact way you do. Because I think for all of us, it probably shows up a little bit differently.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 4:54

sure. Yeah. Yeah. And it's nice to kind of hear other people's experiences to know, okay, like I, I'm not the only one experiencing this. So, yeah, I, I'm curious,

Steph Barron Hall: 5:05

Yeah.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 5:06

about you? How have you seen your type three show up this week?

Steph Barron Hall: 5:10

Well, I think for three it's always like the image consciousness, right? Of being like, oh, what are people thinking of me? Et cetera. So earlier today I had just a quick conversation with, with a future podcast guest, and she wrote a book that's like a murder mystery, I believe. Um, I know it's a mystery. I can't remember if it's a murder mystery in particular. And all of the different characters are different types, and I so badly wanted to ask her like, what type is the suspect? Like who, who did it basically. Um, and I think that part of me is like, I hope threes come off okay in this. And it's like so silly because. Part of the fun even, you know, as I've been teaching lately, I've been kind of sharing like different characters of different types and, um, I've heard a lot of people say that shiv from succession is type three, and everyone's like, oh, I don't wanna be any of those characters. But anytime we see characters, like in a book or in a movie, we're gonna have to highlight the like, average or like lower parts of the character. Like, otherwise you're not gonna get really a sense of their personality, where it's not gonna be very clear. Um,

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 6:27

yeah,

Steph Barron Hall: 6:28

I think we all look a little bit more similar when we get healthier and healthier. And so being in a very unaware space and very like seeming unhealthy externally, I think it does depict the character. Or the type I, I suppose, a little bit negatively, but it's also like that's the best way to shine a light on it. Um, so I was just noticing like that thought process of like, oh my gosh, what are people gonna think about this type, um, from this book? And then I was like, wait, that's kind of the whole point. Like, we all have our, our good and, and bad qualities, like all humans. So, um, yeah, just trying to image manage in a, in a very strange way, I suppose.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 7:11

I mean, it definitely is hard when you see, you know, maybe a character on TV or like you said in a book and you're like, oh, that could be my type. But then there's like the cringey parts. Yeah, that's always difficult, but of course, you know, that's just part of being human. So I feel that. I feel it.

Steph Barron Hall: 7:28

Yeah. We all have the cringey parts.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 7:30

So that kind of goes into our next segment of what have you been into? Um, is there anything new that you've been learning or that you've been kind of focusing on?

Steph Barron Hall: 7:40

Yeah. I've really been enjoying this book recommended by my friend and previous podcast guest, Jackie Acry. Um, it's a book called The Science of Stuck by Brit Frank, and it's great if you like, want enough information about different topics to be able to use it and apply it in your real life like she has. Little things that are like, uh, five minute activities to do. Um, but for example, if you've heard of IFS or Internal Family Systems or if you've heard of like polyvagal theory or these different things, she goes into each of them enough for you to know what you need to know to help yourself, but not enough that it's like a textbook. Um, so the science is stuck by Brit Frank, and it's all about how basically when you're stuck in life, like how to get unstuck. So I've really been enjoying that. The topics are like anxiety, relationships, um, your shadow, um, boundaries, friendships, addiction, like literally everything. I'm, I'm just thinking through the chapter titles. Um, but like there's something for everyone kind of in it. So it's a really great book. Um, I've been enjoying that and I also read a couple of books by Lisa Jewel in the past week. Um, so she's my favorite author, I think. In terms of like novels, like she writes really interesting like psychological thrillers. Um, so I'm always into those.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 9:08

What's your favorite book so far by that author?

Steph Barron Hall: 9:11

Well, there's one called The Night She Disappeared

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 9:14

Ooh.

Steph Barron Hall: 9:15

that I really liked. Um, this past week I read Invisible Girl also Really good. I also read The House we grew up in this last week and I didn't like it as much, but it was good. It was a good book. I just, the theme for it was a little bit icky for me. Like a little cringe. Yeah.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 9:34

Yeah. That's so funny. I, we were just on vacation with our family and um, I have, um, a type three like sister-in-law and she was reading, I think the Invisible Girl too. Like, she was just like getting through all of her books. She's Okay. I got two down. I want to get more into like this book, so that's so fun. Like, kind of getting into that. Who was the author again?

Steph Barron Hall: 9:56

Lisa Jewel.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 9:57

Jewel. That's so cool.

Steph Barron Hall: 9:59

What about you? What are you into lately?

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 10:02

Yeah, so I was introduced to this by like a mutual friend of ours, um, coaching creator Tiffany Hahn. And, um, you can preview this book online, like if you don't wanna order it. Um, and I think I'm, I haven't ordered it yet, but I think I'm going to. Um, but it's called Little Pieces of Hope. Happy Making Things in a Difficult World by Todd Dotty, I believe that's how you say his last name. Um, but I'd be curious if any listeners are familiar with this already. Um, it's a daily compilation of like little things that bring this person joy and hope. And it was written, I think, right when the pandemic started. And so, um, it's basically just like an unorganized, like hodgepodge list of like seemingly ordinary things and. I really would like to start implementing this into my routine. And I tried to do a list right before this to share, but I think it was too much pressure for it to be just like a natural list, you know? Um, knowing that I would share it. But if, you know other people wanna try that, I would even encourage you like not to share it. I feel like there's more freedom and just kind of writing down, you know, without any other eyes. But, um, yeah, like if, like, here, let me, it's just like a little short list. Here is one of Todd's entries, so he just like lists off these things. So daffodils doing more with less Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, a pumpkin patch filled with screaming children going out to dinner the night before Thanksgiving. Whitney Houston's live version of the Star Spangled Banner, a heart-shaped rock. So it's just like all of these little things and the list goes on and on. So I think I wanna start doing that and that's kind of beautiful. I don't know.

Steph Barron Hall: 11:39

Yeah, I love it. Cause it's like capturing those little moments that could easily kind of like pass by and like being able to find them.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 11:47

Yeah. Yeah. And I think I need to like, I think the point of it was also like during difficult times, like ordinary things just became more hopeful and, you know, the day just became more brighter. So I think, um, yeah, I wanna try to do that, and then I wanna see if there's a shift, you know, just kind of like an experiment.

Steph Barron Hall: 12:09

Okay, cool. So let's talk about what we would tolerate ourselves, or not just us, but all the types. Um, So this kind of came about number of months ago. I threw it up as a question sticker on Instagram, and then I know that you like transcribed the answers and so we can talk a little bit more about the themes. Um, but I think as we go through, we can talk about the themes for each of them as well as the exact ones that were in the post plus some of our favorite comments because there are so many good comments on these.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 12:49

Yeah, that sounds great. Um, Steph, do you wanna go ahead and start with type eight?

Steph Barron Hall: 12:54

Yeah. Um, I think the theme for this one, for type eight was really about like allowing and inviting more softness. Like a lot of the themes were, um, kind of encouraging themselves to like slow down and like to, to let off some of the pressure, but also saying like, just because other people think that you are, you know, too much or too loud or too anything does not necessarily mean that's true. Um, which I really appreciated because I think that we can assume that eights don't care about that, but I think it's part of being human to care about what other people think, at least to an extent. Doesn't always mean that you change yourself for that, but I think that there's something very human about that. So for type eight, the ones that we put in the posts were, you're not too much. Embracing all parts of yourself will help in every area of life. And by all parts I think they meant like, um, embracing the tough and like strong parts as well as like the softer or sensitive parts. Um, you can take your time. You don't have to conquer the world before breakfast. Um, which I love that one. And ask for help and seek out mentors. Nat natural talent will only take you so far. Um, and I think that's helpful too cuz I think eights can have a really hard time asking for help. Um, one of my other favorites is not everyone is ready to hear the truth about themselves.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 14:28

Hmm.

Steph Barron Hall: 14:29

And I think eights have such a tendency to like really wanna always speak the truth no matter what. And think something that both actually for eights and sometimes fours, there can be a level of like recognizing that it's not always kind to be blunt with the truth. Like I think they can say, well it doesn't matter how I said it, cuz it's true. And that's not always the case. Um, so I think that that's really useful. and then someone else said, not everything has to be a battle and not every battle is yours to

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 15:02

I like this one.

Steph Barron Hall: 15:03

yeah, me too. And then somebody else said, um, there is so much beauty in being soft. Let yourself feel all the things, revel in the good and trust that you are good enough to survive. The bad strength comes up in so many ways. Be strong enough to ask for help when you need it and actually accept it. Be strong enough to be uncomfortable. Be strong enough to hold boundaries that are bridges to other people, not electric fences for them to peer.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 15:27

So good.

Steph Barron Hall: 15:29

I know, I love that one. Were there any that stood out for you?

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 15:32

Oh gosh. I mean, they were all so good. I think the one that you shared earlier that not everything has to be a battle, and not every battle is yours to fight. I think with such a, like, almost like a pull or like an urgency to kind of step in. You know, even if it's not, you know, maybe their place or, you know, and their protection mode comes on, you know, and I just, it's almost like a freedom to like, okay, I don't have to get into all of that, you know? Um, yeah. I really like that one. Yeah, and also this one too. You don't have to fight for everyone else. Find the people who will fight for you too. And I love that because it's like very community and, um, you know, they don't always have to be the ones that are taking care of everyone. I, I love that one.

Steph Barron Hall: 16:15

Yeah, I think especially for social eights, there can be a tendency to really pour themselves out for everyone else and to leave nothing left for themselves. And so that's really, really helpful. Okay. What about type nine?

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 16:29

Yes. So for type nine, I'm gonna go ahead and read what we had on the post. So first, your feelings aren't a burden. Engaging in difficult conversations and telling others about my emotions will actually strengthen relationships. Don't shy away from loving yourself. You are and will always be worth it. And it's okay to speak up for yourself too. And I'm gonna go ahead and read some of the comments. Um, there are a lot of people who kind of shared, um, like what they would say. Um, so one of them is. It's not your responsibility to mediate for your whole family. I think I see that in some nines where they feel like it's their responsibility to kind of step up and, and be that. Um, let's see. Taking up space in this world is okay and necessary. Um, your presence and perspective are valuable and wanted your opinions matter. Share them. Were there any ones specifically that stood out to you? Steph?

Steph Barron Hall: 17:36

Um, yeah, I loved those that you mentioned. And then I really liked it's okay to be mad. Don't wait until it's rage to express it.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 17:43

Hmm.

Steph Barron Hall: 17:44

Because I think that's something that kind of came up like thematically for this type overall was about the idea of conflict and about the idea of like being able to engage. And it's something I've seen for a lot of nines like. I'm chill until I'm not. That whole idea where it's like they're really chill and they're really cool about it, and then suddenly it's like they're not at all. And I think I've seen a lot of nines actually learn to integrate a little bit more anger as whether that's as boundaries or anger as, um, you know, bringing things up earlier they normally would and how helpful that can be to just clarify things clearly air it's like not, um, relationship ending. It was interesting. I thought there was a comment that was like, well, you know, me sharing my feelings did end relationships. And it kind of made me think of, um, I watched this video and now I can't remember who said this, but they basically said, um, like if you have to. Like this, this person was talking about how like they used to be a heavy drinker and then they stopped and they realized that if you have to drink a lot to um, be around someone, you don't actually like being with that person. And in this comment, in this similar way, it's kind of like if you have to tamp yourself down to be around this person, maybe it's just not a good person for you to be around. And so like that same comment, they brought up being authentic in themselves and like being more comfortable in their skin because maybe some relationships did end, but they weren't the ones that they needed after all.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 19:27

Yeah, I'm, I'm glad you mentioned that comment cuz I also saw that one. Um, and that's completely valid too, like, that's, Uh, uh, it's really sad when that happens, but yeah, like you said, maybe that wasn't a good relationship for them to be in, you know? Um, there's also one that I saw. Um, you don't need to change yourself to be what he wants. Who you already are is perfect for someone else. But I would also like, add to that like, who you already are is perfect, like for yourself, you know, like, I think to discover yourself, to take up space as yourself. Um, and I think it maybe comes from that mindset of, um, again, maybe not taking up space, um, and maybe focusing on others, um, more than you focus on yourself. Um, but I really like that comment.

Steph Barron Hall: 20:13

Well, and that's a good point about like the other referencing types. Um, so two, three, and nine because you're a hard type, but you're not another referencing type. And so how that shows up is like for other referencing types, what that means is like thinking about the self always in relationship to others or in relation to others. Like, um, whether that's by comparison or just like how will they feel about me? How. Do I need to be like, identity wise almost. Um, and I think that can show up a little bit in nines. Um, and so I like that you called that out of like, no, this is also just for yourself, not always for somebody else, but for yourself too.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 20:55

Yeah. Absolutely.

Steph Barron Hall: 20:57

It's good that we're all different.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 20:59

Yeah, for sure.

Steph Barron Hall: 21:02

So for type one, a lot of the theme again, it was just like really about like self-compassion and self-acceptance and releasing some of the inner critic and having a little bit more fun. So the ones in the actual post were take risks and follow your gut. The logical answer isn't always the right answer. Even if you make mistakes, you will still be loved and you are not a self-improvement project. Live your one wild and precious life. And I put a little asterisk in the post that one wild and precious life is a callback to, um, Mary Oliver's poem, the Summer Day. And I really like that somebody pointed that out. Um, and I think that I, I was kind of surprised at the lack of comments about the one that said, uh, the logical answer isn't always the right answer.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 21:59

Mm-hmm.

Steph Barron Hall: 22:00

Because I think that that's something that's really challenging for a lot of ones, and actually other types too. But it kind of goes back to the same thing we talked about with type eight, where it's like doing, you know, being 100% truthful isn't always the most important thing sometimes, like being kind or being caring is more important, um, in certain circumstances. So, um,

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 22:27

Right. I've even heard it said like, do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy? You know, like kind of picking your battles, choosing those battles.

Steph Barron Hall: 22:34

Yeah. Um, yeah. So some of the comments that I really liked, um, were don't be afraid to show emotion. Get excited, be angry, laugh, cry, shriek with joy. You don't have to be careful and thoughtful all the time. And I loved that cuz like when I was interviewing all the ones to my book, I kept hearing this idea of like ones recognizing like I am so out of touch with my emotions because I'm spending so much time trying to be appropriate. And I think that's so important

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 23:06

Yeah.

Steph Barron Hall: 23:07

for ones to remember.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 23:09

Yeah. And I think there was one where it was like, let yourself be angry. You know, like, let it kind of come out. I think that was a good one. Um, there was also one that said like, find a seven best friend, which is, you know, one of the arrows to one. But I really like that kind of, um, surrounding yourself with people who will let that silliness, you know, that, um, you know, bring kind of like that sense of humor out of them. So, yeah, I, I thought that was kind of cool.

Steph Barron Hall: 23:38

Yeah. I also really like this one that says, I would tell myself that failing or not being perfect at something is necessary work to get better at something. Failing or falling flat on your face is okay, get up, laugh it off and go back at it. And also some people who said like, done is better than perfect. Things like that, that's really hard I think for ones and threes, but I think for ones, the self-criticism can be really, really challenging. Um,

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 24:07

There's also one too that says that I really liked. Um, it says You don't have to take on the heroin complex. Like, let people save themselves, like was never your job. And again, I think it's a freedom of like, okay, they can make their own decisions, you know? Um, I, I really like that one.

Steph Barron Hall: 24:25

Yeah. Okay. Two more I really liked and then we can go on to type two. Um, even if you are not loved by others, when you make mistakes, make mistakes anyway and love yourself through it all. It's their problem, not yours. And perfection does not exist and is a trauma response that will rob you of joy in life, which I love that one.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 24:44

Yeah, those

Steph Barron Hall: 24:45

And then this one has, this comment has like four. So, um, don't be afraid to let others down. Mistakes are proof that you're trying. When your parents or yourself criticize you, you don't have to believe it. Focus on the truth of who you are.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 25:02

That's beautiful.

Steph Barron Hall: 25:02

I love all of those.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 25:05

So for type two, I'll go ahead and, um, read what we had in our posts and then I'll talk about the theme. So the first one is, their love is not a mirror of your value. You are worthy even if you choose not to show up or put on a smile. You don't have to work so hard to be loved. It's okay to slow down and let yourself be human. And then someday you'll see this painful boundary was a great act of self-love. And I saw that a lot of them were around like the boundary aspect, um, almost like what we mentioned in type ix. Um, but a lot of them were talking about, you know, showing up for others and putting themselves, um, just like out of energy for others and, um, just to kind of preserve that for themselves. Um, and then also, um, they wanted to tell their younger selves to make more space, um, for their real emotions and, and kind of show up fully in that way. Um, so I'll go ahead and read some of these comments. So like this one, it's okay if someone is upset with you because you said no. It's also okay. If someone doesn't like you, they'll be okay. And so will you. I think this one is so important. Again, I think it's such a freeing, um, sentence. Um, of course probably way harder to kind of play out, but, um, it's true. You know, um, I think twos can just focus so much on, you know, being likable and, and things like that. Um, one says you don't have to say yes to everyone all of the time. Um, your deep love and empathy for others is a superpower, not a weakness. Stop and think before saying yes, yes. Doesn't have to be your default. So good. You are not responsible for the way people react to a boundary. You set for yourself. Such a great reminder.

Steph Barron Hall: 27:09

Mm-hmm.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 27:11

You can show up with each of your feelings and still be loved.

Steph Barron Hall: 27:15

Hmm. I love all of those.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 27:17

Yeah. Really good. Did any stand out to you?

Steph Barron Hall: 27:22

Um, I love this one. You are not the sole provider of everyone's happiness. You cannot please everyone everywhere, all of the time. And that's totally okay because when you hear it, you're like, oh yeah, duh. But in the moment it just feels like you can.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 27:37

Yeah.

Steph Barron Hall: 27:39

Um, there was one that I really liked. Um, it's okay to have needed something from others that they didn't have the capacity to give. And I think that's so important for twos because like, I think at times somebody else not having the capacity to give almost makes it feel to the two, like, they were wrong for asking, or they were wrong for having that need. And I love that this comment is calling out that. Those two ideas are not necessarily related. Like you can need something and others cannot have the capacity. But that doesn't mean that you need to shame yourself for having a desire or need or want or whatever.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 28:23

Yeah. Yeah, that's good. There's one that says, telling the truth is kind, and I really like this one because it kind of, you know, is like a, kind of pulls on that like eight arrow of, you know, sometimes you know, you. Telling the truth, like you don't have to kind of sugarcoat things like just in case, you know, someone might not like it or something, but like telling the truth like that is kind. And so, um, I thought that was a really good reminder for twos.

Steph Barron Hall: 28:53

Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Type three.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 28:56

Yes.

Steph Barron Hall: 28:57

I'm gonna read the comment or the, our post first so that I don't forget. Um, okay. Get curious about yourself, like it's your job, you're worth it. Avoiding anything you are quote unquote bad at, will not lead to the rich, expansive life you imagine. Learn to truly love yourself. True confidence starts with self-acceptance. You are worthy regardless of what you bring to the table. And overall, for those and the others, I felt like the themes were really about like getting to know yourself. Um, I think we do see a lot of type three focused on work and obviously it said like, it's your job in this one. So I don't know if anyone like opposed that, but I think that threes do tend to focus on work when they're not sure what else to really pay attention to when they know where they can get some sort of praise or validation. Um, But like these kind of highlight the lesser known aspects of type three, which is like some of the insecurity that a lot of threes feel or some of the, the sense of like, um, not truly feeling that confident once they actually slow down and look at things. Um, because the confidence comes from, you know, output. And if you have no output, then you have no confidence. Um, and so I loved, you know, those themes that people shared. So some of my favorite comments, um, take risks on the things that don't come easily fail. Learn from failure. Your people will love you no matter what and give yourself grace everyone else already has. And I love that last one because we forget that everyone else already has peace. And I've been told time and again that showing up as a human and being like, Oh wow, I really made a mistake. Is humanizing not alienating? Like it's more alienating to be, to have like a shiny polished image all the time.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 31:01

Sure.

Steph Barron Hall: 31:04

I love this one too. Don't panic the day you realize you have no idea who you are. It's the first step to embracing all the beauty and magic you have. Massless, the world loves a massless three. I also like this one. Don't wait to do what you love or be who you want to be. Even if you don't feel ready or perfect enough.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 31:24

Hmm.

Steph Barron Hall: 31:24

It kind of actually makes me think of, um, there have been a lot of times in my life where I've like done that, where I like literally wait. I mean even like learning to walk. I was not a kid who like got up and tried and, and fell like it was like I waited till I was ready and then I got up and I didn't fall.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 31:45

Wow.

Steph Barron Hall: 31:46

Um, and that's not always a good thing, right? Because like falling is part of life and I've had to learn that, you know, over time to be like, okay, like failing, falling apart, like all the, these different things are all a part of it. And the quicker I learn to embrace it, the better off I'll be and I'm still learning that.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 32:09

Yeah. Yeah. With all of these we're, it's like we're needing these reminders, like still to this day for sure. Um, I like this one. It says, come home to yourself. I'm right here waiting for you. And I think, um, it just goes along. I know, I know. It's so good. Um, it goes along with the one that, that, um, you put in here. Um, get curious about yourself, like it's your job. You are worth it. Um, I don't know. I just think that's so beautiful.

Steph Barron Hall: 32:40

Yeah, I think it can be surprising to other types to think about that.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 32:46

Hmm.

Steph Barron Hall: 32:47

I mean to four, sometimes fours are like, what do you mean? Like you don't like get to know yourself, you don't like know what you want or you know, what's important to you or what your goals are. And like, because like I think even in terms of goals, sometimes threes are like beyond what I've already set out. Like other things can be challenging.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 33:07

Yeah.

Steph Barron Hall: 33:08

But then one time I was talking with a six about this actually, and they're like, they they didn't think very much about who am I, that question cuz not being in the heart center there, there just wasn't that looming idea of like, not knowing the self, if that makes sense.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 33:23

yeah.

Steph Barron Hall: 33:24

Fascinating. We're all so different. It's, it's, it's really fascinating.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 33:28

It really is. Um, I'm curious what you think about this one. This comment says, explore what you want and like, not what you think you should do. And I feel like that's, is that like easier said than done? Of course. Right? Like is that kind of what you were talking about?

Steph Barron Hall: 33:42

Yeah. I mean, they all are easier said than done.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 33:45

Sure.

Steph Barron Hall: 33:46

I, I just think that explore what you want and like, is like, that sounds like, oh yeah, just go do that. And I think for a three, it's like, I have no idea where to start with that. So for me, you know, I've, well I've talked a lot about like doing a lot of different things that, um, I are fun that I'm not good at, and that's hard. Like even, I don't know, what do I do like paint? You know, I'm not, I would never sell a painting. Nobody would ever pay to see it. Um, and so I think as a three, it's like, oh, that's just a waste of time. Then

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 34:31

Mm.

Steph Barron Hall: 34:32

instead of being like, I just like the feeling of painting

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 34:36

Yeah.

Steph Barron Hall: 34:37

and that's enough. Or like, you know, my husband and I were talking and it's like, oh, like this yoga teacher I really like, um, I cannot remember how to say her last name, but, um, she was doing like this yoga teacher training. I was like, oh, I could become a yoga teacher. I was like, how about I don't turn everything into a business? Like, how about I just have some hobbies? Um, so yeah, I think that that's part of the exploration too.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 35:05

Yeah. I love that. I'm curious what you would add to this post as a, as a three.

Steph Barron Hall: 35:12

Well, I did kind of already add my things.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 35:14

Sure. I figured so.

Steph Barron Hall: 35:17

yeah, I think that, um, but it's like this theme that we're talking about, uh, just like do the things that are, that you're not already good at. Um, the area that that's a lot easier for me now is like sports or playing games or doing artistic or creative things or playing music. All of those sorts of things are, are fun for me now. And they're not, like, it's not a requirement that I am good at them. Um, but with business stuff, it's still really hard. And I was recently asked like, when's the last time you failed? And I was like, oh my God. I have like crafted a life where I never have to fail.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 35:59

Mm

Steph Barron Hall: 36:00

Like I don't, like, I'm not saying that I don't fail, I'm saying that. It's rare for me to take that type of risk these days, and I think I was having a lot more fun in my business when I took bigger risks, you know? So it's just something I've been thinking about a lot.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 36:19

Yeah. Hmm. I love that. Okay.

Steph Barron Hall: 36:22

Let's talk about type four.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 36:24

Yes. So I'll go ahead and read off what we had in the post for type four. So the first one, nothing is missing. You truly are enough. Don't leave the good things for your future self live in this moment. It's okay to just be, you don't have to make sense of every little thing you're feeling. And then the world is so much bigger than your internal experience. Mm, so good. And the theme for this one, I think with fours it was kind of broad, um, coming from a whole bunch of different perspectives. but a lot of it really kind of focused around, you know, Like nothing is missing, like you truly are enough. And, really having that like accountability for yourself and stepping into action instead of, you know, just staying where you are. And then, um, of course being present, um, and you know, and not staying in your past or you know, your future. and so this one's actually like a really good one. So we shared it in the post, but also don't leave the good things for your future self. and I would add like, don't leave, don't leave anything for your future self. Cuz I feel like, like most often that self is like a fantasy one. Like just be grounded and present in the things that you plan to do. Like, you know, you're strong and smart enough to handle this in this reality. Um, and I think that's something that I had to kind of learn. Um, I. Love this one. Clean up all your messes. They don't go away. So again, just kind of getting into that action. Um, there's another one. Okay, so this comment stood out to me. Learn to see your emotions, just like thoughts. They are inputs merely information processed by the brain. That means the sensation to be present to each emotion and the act in and out of each thing you feel is a choice, A choice you have control over. Don't be a victim to your own mind. And I love that one. Um, again, it's like putting the power in your own hands, not letting everything like your emotions kind of control you, getting swept up in all of that. Um, Um, this one, I like this one. Don't let the size of your dreams paralyze you into inaction. Just keep moving and keep chipping away at them. So good. Um, I'm curious if any comments stood out to you, Steph?

Steph Barron Hall: 38:52

Yeah. Um, I think there's one that I really liked. I'm trying to scroll back to it. I said should taken a screenshot. Um, I like this one. There are many mundane parts of life and mundane does not equal bad. It is normal.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 39:08

Yeah.

Steph Barron Hall: 39:09

Wisdom will look like being able to discern what feelings to act or hold to and which ones to let go and allow to, as fleeting in unhealthy seasons, you can become self-absorbed, which is not. A place you like to be?

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 39:25

Hmm

Steph Barron Hall: 39:25

There's another one that I really, really loved. Not everyone can meet you in the deep end.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 39:30

mm.

Steph Barron Hall: 39:31

I really liked that one because I think it, it's like not shaming a four for like, wanting to go to the deep end, but also not shaming the other person for not being able to, it's like kind of being very permissive about that and being able to hold it,

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 39:47

Yeah. Yeah. And it's almost like what you said about, um, what you mentioned with the type eight. You know, like sometimes like with fours, it's really easy to do that. And so, um, I think just being aware that there's other perspectives other than, you know, our own, to just kind of keep in mind. So I, yeah, I think that's a really good one.

Steph Barron Hall: 40:10

Yeah. And I think I, you know, when you mentioned, you know, what I would add for type three, one of the things I thought about when I was writing this post was the one that you called attention to about like your future self. And I think that really resonates for three as well. But it's a different reason from what you shared. Like for type three, it's like, my future self will be better than my current self. Like I'll be more accomplished, I'll be more successful, I'll be, um, more perfect in x, y, and Z ways. Um, and so the difference is like, there's a nuance there, but I think what I heard for type four, it's like, An idealized, fantasized version of yourself.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 40:52

Mm-hmm.

Steph Barron Hall: 40:53

The, the type three thing is a fantasy as well, but it's a little bit different, I think. Um, and I just think that, that the idea resonates either way, but it's a really different angle.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 41:05

Yeah, I, I mean I think that idea is so interesting cuz, I mean, I've even had to realize like I, the goals that I've set, like were for my future self and I was doing all of the work in my head with this like fantasy future self. And so I really had to kind of shift into like, okay, what are, like actual, actual, what are steps I can take like now to help me actually get this done instead of just saving it for like, you know, so yeah. I, I think that I, I love that you mentioned like the type three perspective on that as well. Interesting.

Steph Barron Hall: 41:41

Yeah, I like that. I also think a, a big thing that we tend to miss when we talk about force is the intellectualization aspect of things. Like it's, it is feelings, it is emotion, but there's also a lot of thoughts happening. Um, and we forget about that.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 42:00

Yeah. Yeah.

Steph Barron Hall: 42:03

All right. Are you ready for type five? Anything else you wanna add for type four?

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 42:07

No, I thought that was good. Yeah. I'm ready to move on.

Steph Barron Hall: 42:10

All right, so type five um, would tell their younger selves, you are more than the hours of knowledge you take in. Hidden emotions are still emotions, regardless of what others say. You are not shallow or devoid of feelings. Get comfortable with open-ended questions. They don't go away. And don't be afraid to take risks or step outside your comfort zone. And I think the theme of these, and the other responses we received was really about like taking action. Um, I think it was Marie Forlio, she, um, wrote this thing that says, uh, CLA clarity comes with action and or the clarity you're looking for comes with action. And I think that that's really important for a lot of fives to remember. And I recently was doing a speaking engagement where I had some fives like ask, okay, how do I stop thinking about this? And like, and I'm like, you just have to try it. Yeah. I'm sorry. You just have to try it. And that's so hard. And I think I really resonate with fives, especially lately in a lot of ways, in this sense of like being like, I wanna know everything before I try anything. And it just, we can't. We just can't. So I love that, um, concept that I've shared. Um, It's okay not to know the answer. I like that comment. Um, there's nothing wrong with you. I also really like that one because I think especially in a lot of the corporate world and like the social world vibes are made to feel like there is something wrong with them. And I just think their brains work differently and that's really cool. Um, it's okay to be wrong. I think there is something devastating to me about the way that a five's face melts when they're wrong about something and you're just like, it's really okay. Like, I'm sorry to burst your bubble. It's okay. You can be wrong and like, nobody's judging you for it, but, um, like, it's okay to be wrong. And I think even as a three, I'm like, yeah, I get that too. Um, but I think that that's, that's really useful. I also, like not everyone will react poorly to your boundaries.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 44:31

Hmm

Steph Barron Hall: 44:32

Um, some people do, but that's not everyone. And so I think for five is, It's useful to keep that in mind and then you are capable of handling outside obligations.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 44:43

That's good.

Steph Barron Hall: 44:45

and then on that, that idea of like not knowing all the answers I liked, you can be competent without having all the answers. I really like that.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 44:54

That's good.

Steph Barron Hall: 44:54

Oh wait, I wanna read the rest of this comment so you can be competent without having all the answers. You can still be helpful in caring without all of the answers. People still love and respect you, even if you don't have all the answers. You can be fun and interesting without having all the answers. Competence doesn't mean never asking for help, even if you are the rock for others, you can have a bad day for yourself.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 45:19

That's so good.

Steph Barron Hall: 45:21

What do you wanna add?

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 45:23

Yeah, I really liked be patient with myself. Um, taking risks and stepping outside of comfort zones. Um, you are allowed to need help. Your questions are safe to be asked. Friendship can be life giving and not draining. And then I really like this one. The world needs more of you, not less of you. And. Like, I'll just add, I think that's like a big growth stretch for fives, like leaning into the idea of abundance and more, um, you know, I mean like with patience and self-compassion, I think, you know, there is more to be had, like you deserve more. You can have the capability to experience more, and so yeah, I, I love that one. I love that one that was added.

Steph Barron Hall: 46:08

Yeah, I like those two. Um, especially the abundance piece. I

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 46:13

Hmm.

Steph Barron Hall: 46:14

I don't know. I think vibes are awesome. I like talking to fives. Um, okay. Type six.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 46:22

Yes. Okay. So for type six, what we had in our post, be confident in your own skin. You can be a reliable source of wisdom and advice for yourself. If you can see the worst case scenario, you can also envision the best case scenario. Anxiety is okay, and it's even more okay to ask for help and then you can't foresee everything. And that's actually a good thing. And I think the theme that we had for sixes kind of focused around, you know, finding that confidence and trusting yourself as a six and, um, kind of dealing with that uncertainty as a six. Um, so like, for example, one of the comments were like, Just simple. Be brave, you know, and really just instilling that courage. Um, you are enough. That was a, that was a really good one. Um, fill yourself up. You can't pour from an empty cup. Loyalty doesn't necessarily mean giving until you have nothing left to give. Yeah,

Steph Barron Hall: 47:29

Hmm.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 47:30

that was a really good one. Um, the world needs your authentic self. Don't hide. Ooh, I thought this was a great one. You have more resources and choices inside of you than you think. Yeah. So I think just, um, seeing. You know, like these comments about like trusting themselves a little bit more, which I know like is like a growth kind of stretch for, for sixes. Um, did anything stand out to you, Steph?

Steph Barron Hall: 48:05

Yeah, I mean, I think I really liked. I mentioned it in the caption, but my friend Marta, she calls it the opposite case scenario. And I loved that idea because it's not worst case, it's opposite case. Cuz sometimes you ask a six like something and they'll give you the opposite even if you're giving them an opportunity to give you the worst. Right. Um, but there's this one comment that, like she says, I play this game, we call, what's the worst thing that can ha actually happen? And so you talk through every worst case until you basically die alone. Like what's the worst thing that can actually happen? Which the acronym, if you wanna write it down, W T W T T C A H. It took me a second to be like, uh, what does that say? Um, So what's the worst thing that can actually happen if you choose to take a gap year? I won't please my parents. What's the worst thing that can actually happen if you don't please your parents? I rebel and decide I don't wanna go to uni at all and then I have to work in retail, et cetera, et cetera. Until you have no job, no partner, no parents, and you're dying alone. And then you do the op opposite. So like what's the best outcome? If I take a gap gap year, I could find a real passion. I could start my own business, I could find a partner, have a family, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, until you die happy. And so it's really extreme, but I think that there is something that's really like unique about the six. I know I said unique. I'm sorry for, I'm just kidding. But it's also because, um, I think fours have this concept too of like the concepts, in, in stoicism, I am only thinking about this cause my husband was just. I'm talking about it because we toured cemeteries in New Orleans memento Mori. I think it's like, remember death.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 49:58

Mm-hmm.

Steph Barron Hall: 49:59

So, um, it's like this idea of like, we're all gonna die, right? So how can I live now? Well, um, if I'm keeping that in mind, and I think with sixes it can be really soothing to kind of go through that process of like, worst case scenario at the end. There is still like the possibility of death, right? But, um, there also is all, are all these different possibilities of life too. Um, so I really liked that comment.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 50:30

Yeah.

Steph Barron Hall: 50:32

I know I went off on like 10 tangents and there's no way to respond.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 50:37

No, I thought that was really good and I really liked that, um, person who left that comment. It was, you know, that, that one about playing that game. Um, I felt like that's, A pretty good practice to kind of do like, um, Yeah. Yeah. That's really cool.

Steph Barron Hall: 50:55

Okay. Type seven is this one. Me.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 51:00

Yes.

Steph Barron Hall: 51:01

Okay. So type seven. Um, type sevens will tell their younger selves, getting good at being bored will help you feel less anxious. Stop working so hard to plan the next thing you'll get there when you get there. Ignoring issues will never make them disappear and you might not see how self-critical you are. Sometimes start practicing self-compassion now. It will really help. And so those are all the ones that were in the original post and I felt like the themes overall were like getting more comfortable with things like boredom and feelings and emotions, all that kind of stuff in general. Um, I think it can be really hard for sevens to. Approach those because they're not always aware that they're not processing them. Um, but from working with sevens, like it's really, really crucial that they do that. And once you start seeing it, you can't really unsee it. And I think once sevens start to become aware of like anxiety, for example, I can't unsee it. So I loved this comment. Avoidance of pain isn't a sustainable lifestyle for you. The good news, great news in fact, is that you are so much stronger than you realize and you'll learn discomfort, tolerance, and it'll be okay. Also, no emotions last forever. Learning to sit and feel the pain will actually help you get through the tough stuff and then you'll feel the joy more than ever too. I loved that one.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 52:26

Mm-hmm.

Steph Barron Hall: 52:28

A lot of sevens also in the comments and then in their original, um, question C mentioned rest. And I think that's important as well because sevens sometimes run themselves into the ground without realizing it because they're like, I'm just having a good time. And it's like that constant chasing of mental stimulation can be exhausting. Um, also, I like this one, learn to love the reality right where it is.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 52:54

Mm. That's a good one.

Steph Barron Hall: 52:58

Um, watch out for fomo reframing and planning for the next fun thing, especially during something fun. Um, and I think. Oh gosh. I think while some sevens are really good at that aspect of like being in the moment, a lot of the time they're actually not in the current moment. They're in the next moment. Like, what if we could ratchet this up a notch? Like what if we could go to the next thing? Um, and I think presence is a really crucial aspect of that. For Sevens

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 53:28

Yeah. And kind of adding on to that, um, I really like this one of the top comments. Um, keep at it. When you get the itch to move on, then you can start mastering skills instead of just being average or mediocre. Um, which is kind of just ties into what you were saying, um, instead of kind of thinking of the next moment, um, Really sticking with it. Um, and then there was another one that, um, also says, just because it's really exciting doesn't mean it's good for me. So I really like that one

Steph Barron Hall: 54:00

my favorite is this very poetic response by a boat. Everything else will fall into place. Heart.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 54:07

Heart. Yes.

Steph Barron Hall: 54:11

Just a seven. Being a seven. Um, like you have to be a little bit ornery, you know? like with Sevens. Um, yeah. I love all those and I think, um, yeah, there's so much more to sevens and I, I love allowing more depth to like, invite out more of like their, their reflections and stuff, because it's not all fun and games all the time, you know? So I love that about sevens.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 54:42

And then I'll also just add, this one's a longer comment. Um, Which is really beautiful, but just like the very first sentence, I tell my younger self that she is enough when she wanted to be quiet or when she felt shy. And I think what I've seen a lot of sevens kind of add, you know, when in question stickers or on Instagram, is that, um, sometimes they want to just be, you know, and maybe they feel like that pressure from, you know, others to kind of show up in a certain way that they've always, you know, maybe showed up in this way, but sometimes they just wanna be. So I really, I really liked, um, that comment that yeah, that person added.

Steph Barron Hall: 55:23

Yeah, that was a good one. And I, there was also one that was, um, in the same vein of like, um, it's okay to say no to plans. It's good for your physical and mental health. And I think that sometimes we overlook that and I think that's really important too.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 55:40

Yeah.

Steph Barron Hall: 55:42

Okay. We did it

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 55:44

Yeah. Love this series.

Steph Barron Hall: 55:49

Me too. I'm so glad that we, we did it. Um, so I did wanna share something else, which I had thought about for today. And then I was like, no, I wanna do more planning before I start doing this. But, um, I think when I think about the whole entire theme of engram in real life, I really think about like the in real life part a lot. So it's not just Enneagram, but it's also in real life. And so one thing that I'm really interested in is, you know, you always hear me talk about these different books that I'm reading, so I actually implement a lot of the things that I read about in the books. It's not just like reading for me. Um, and I think it'd be fun to like, take everyone along on that journey. So inviting on more guests who are, maybe not specifically about the Ingram, but also more broadly about these topics. And then also sharing a little bit more, um, backstory of like what it's like for me as I'm like practicing. You know, James Penn Baker's expressive writing practice or, um, you know, all these different things. So I think that will be fun to do coming up and yeah, if you're still here. Thanks so much for listening.

Heidi Alaniz Critz: 56:56

Yeah. Awesome. I think that sounds like a great plan.

Steph Barron Hall: 57:01

Cool. See you all next week. thanks so much for listening to Enneagram IRL. If you love the show, be sure to subscribe and leave us a rating and review. This is the easiest way to make sure new people find the show. And it's so helpful for a new podcast like this one, if you want to stay connected. Sign up for my email list in the show notes or message me on instagram at nine types co to tell me your one big takeaway from today's show I'd love to hear from you. I know there are a million podcasts you could have been listening to, and I feel so grateful that you chose to spend this time with me. Can't wait to meet you right back here for another episode of any grim IRL very soon. The Enneagram and real life podcast is a production of nine types co LLC. It's created and produced by Stephanie Barron hall. With editing support from Brandon Hall. And additional support from crits collaborations. Thanks to dr dream chip for our amazing theme song and you can also check out all of their music on spotify